The Holy Canon of Tennis

Let all who seek wisdom within the lines read, and understand, and call it out.

The Law of the Court

As given unto Moses of the Mountain, who went up to the public courts above the city and came down with two tablets of stone; and lo, they were court rules, and they were laminated.

I am the Head Pro, which brought thee out of the land of Pickleball. Thou shalt have no other sports before me.
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image of thy forehand, nor post it upon the Instagram, nor ask thy wife to film it in slow motion from behind. For I have seen thy forehand, and it is not that.
Thou shalt not take the score in vain. Thou shalt call it out before every serve, loud enough to hear, and thou shalt not "forget" at 30-40.
Remember the changeover, to keep it holy, and to keep it ninety seconds. Six days shalt thou labor, and on the seventh thou shalt play doubles at 8 a.m. and call it rest.
Honor thy coach and thy stringer, that thy days may be long upon the court, and thy tension be what thou asked for.
Thou shalt not kill, save the overhead, which thou shalt kill with great prejudice.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor play mixed with thy neighbor's wife more than twice in a season, for the third time is a pattern.
Thou shalt not steal: neither points, nor a court that is reserved, nor the balls from the lesson court that "nobody was using."
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy opponent's baseline. If it was in, it was in. The Head Pro saw it. So did the guy on court 3.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's backhand, nor his one-handed anything, nor his wife's 4.0, nor his 7 a.m. standing court, nor any shot that is thy neighbor's.

The Gospel of the Court

Chapter 1

In the beginning there was no tennis, and the people hit rocks with sticks in the fields, and called the rocks out.
And it came to pass that a coach called John of the Bucket stood by the public courts behind the high school, and baptized the people with water and with the ball machine, saying: One cometh after me whose strings I am not worthy to restring. He shall baptize you with the Holy Topspin.
And The Returner came down from the academy in the hills, and John ran him through the drills, and the river was mostly sweat.
And when he came up out of the drills, the heavens opened, and a dove descended upon him; and the dove was a drop shot, and it was in.
And a voice came from heaven, saying: This is my beloved Player, in whom I am well pleased. His footwork is immaculate, and he hath never once said "my bad."
And walking by the back courts he saw two brothers feeding a ball machine: the one called The Rock, for his volleys were solid and so was his head; and the one called Lefty, who was not left-handed, and nobody remembered why.
And he said unto them: Follow me, and I will make you fishers of angles. And they left the ball machine, and it ran on, and ran on, into the fence.
And he saw two more brothers in a garage regripping their rackets, and he called them, and they left their father holding the grip stapler, and he is holding it still.
And the people were astonished at his teaching, for he taught as one having authority, and not as the umpires, nor the guy who watches YouTube.

Chapter 2

And seeing the crowd, he went up onto the spectator mound and taught them, saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall not pay for a new frame.
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted by a net cord at 30-40.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the court nobody booked at 6 a.m.
Blessed are they which hunger and thirst after a first serve, for their holds shall be short.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive the benefit of the doubt on a close call. Once.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall call their own foot faults, and nobody will believe them.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be asked to play mixed with the Hendersons.
Ye have heard it said, an eye for an eye. But verily I say unto you, resist not a bad call. If a man hooketh thee on the baseline, let him; for he hath to drive home with himself, and his wife knoweth what he is.
For what shall it profit a man if he gain the whole set and lose his own first serve?
Let your words be Yea, Nay, and "Nice shot" when it was not. Anything more than these cometh of evil, and of the mixed-doubles group text.
Take no thought for your rating, saying, What shall I be bumped to? For which of you, by worrying, can add one tenth unto his NTRP?
Judge not the slice, lest ye be judged by the lob.
Let him that is without unforced error among you hit the next one.
And he taught them to pray, saying: Our Pro, who art in the clubhouse, hallowed be thy lesson rate. Thy court come, thy will be done, on clay as it is on hard. Give us this day our first serve, and forgive us our double faults, as we forgive those who hit it at us at the net. And lead us not into mixed doubles, but deliver us from pickleball. For thine is the court, and the pro shop, and the parking, forever. Amen.

Chapter 3

And as he went out from the courts, a man with a weak second serve sat by the fence, and cried out: Have mercy on me, that I might have a kick serve.
And the people told him to hush, for his second serve was a hazard to the next court. But he cried the more.
And The Returner stood still, and said: What wilt thou that I do for thee? And the man said: That my second serve clear the net with pace, and spin, and dignity.
And The Returner said: Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. Also, thou art holding it like a frying pan.
And the man changed his grip, and tossed, and served an ace out wide, and wept, and followed him.
And the great commandment he gave them was this: Thou shalt love the Head Pro with all thy heart, and all thy soul, and all thy credit card. And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy doubles partner as thyself. Which, on a Thursday night, is not saying much.

Chapter 4

Now the Grand Slam was nigh, and the umpires and the men of the Tour sought how they might put him out in the quarters.
And one of his own, Judas the Stat Keeper, who kept his own stats, and that should have told us, went unto them and said: What will ye give me? And they gave him a racket deal, and a hat.
And on the eve of the final he sat with his players at the pre-match meal, and took the bread, and broke it, and said: Take, eat; this is my body, which is broken for you in five sets.
And he took the cup, which was an electrolyte beverage, and said: Drink ye all of it, for the cramps cometh.
And he said unto The Rock: Verily I say unto thee, before the first changeover thou shalt say "I didn't see it" three times. And The Rock said, I would never. And he did.
And he went out to the practice court to stretch, and kneeled, and prayed: Father, if thou be willing, remove this cramp from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but thine.
And the referee washed his hands before the crowd and said, I find no foot fault in him. And the crowd cried, Challenge! Challenge! And the challenge was upheld.
And he was broken, and broken again, and down two sets to love; and the commentators spoke of him in the past tense, which is how they kill you.
And in the third set there was darkness over the stadium, for they closed the roof.
But his game rose again. His serve returned unto him, and his forehand was a thunderbolt, and his backhand a thing of beauty, and his drop shot a matter for the authorities.
And he took the third set, and the fourth, and at championship point in the fifth he smote a winner down the line, and it was in by a felt.
And the umpire cried out, Game, Set, Match; and the roof was opened, and it was a Sunday.
And he lifted the cup and said: Lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the rally. And he bit the trophy, as was foretold.

Chapter 5

And when the cup was polished and the interviews were given, he led his players up to the Mount of Aces, which overlooketh all the courts of the land, and the parking lot.
And he said: Go ye therefore and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Forehand, and of the Backhand, and of the Holy Topspin.
Teach them to keep their eye on the ball, to bend their knees, and to follow through; for I have said these three things ten thousand times, and I shall not be here to say them.
And he opened a new can of balls, and the hiss filled the air with promise, and they all breathed deep of it, as is the custom.
And he tossed one ball into the sky and smote it with a serve so pure that it did not come down, but rose, and rose, until it was a star; and he was gone.
And as they stood gazing up, two men in white apparel stood by them, which were the chair umpire and the tournament director.
And they said: Why stand ye gazing up into heaven? He shall come again, as a nineteen-year-old qualifier nobody hath heard of, and ye shall say ye saw him play when.
And they went down to the locker room with his spare rackets, and the rest of the can; for it was a good can, and a sin to waste it.

The Psalm of the Club Player

The Pro is my shepherd; I shall not want a lesson.
He maketh me to lie down on green clay; he leadeth me beside the still ball machine.
He restoreth my second serve; he leadeth me in the paths of the crosscourt for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of love-forty, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy strings and thy overgrip, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; and it is the club mixer, and they are all at it.
Thou anointest my handle with fresh grip; my water bottle runneth over.
Surely goodness and net cords shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Pro forever; for I have a standing court, and I will die before I give it up.

The Proverbs of the Head Pro

The toss is the beginning of all serves. A faulty toss is the mother of a double fault, and the grandmother of a new racket.
A mighty first serve granteth thee peace. A reliable second serve granteth thee life.
A wise player seeth the drop shot coming, and prepareth. The simple pass on, and are seen on the ground.
Go to the pusher, thou sluggard; consider his ways, and be wise. He hath no weapon, and no plan, and he provideth his bread from thine impatience, and he is in the semis.
The fool saith in his heart, My new racket shall save me. But a flawed swing with a new frame is the same flawed swing, at a hundred dollars more.
A foolish player crieth out against the wind, and the sun, and his strings, and the court, and the balls, and the man on the next court. A wise player looketh to his own preparation, and crieth later, in the car.
A soft answer turneth away wrath; but "Are you SURE?" stirreth up war, and the war is just.
As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to the drop shot that hath not worked once this year.
Let another man praise thy backhand, and not thine own mouth; and not thine own highlight reel, which thou hast titled "Clinic."
Trust not in thine arm alone, for the legs are the foundation of the temple, and the temple is forty-four years old.
He that hath a one-handed backhand hath a beautiful thing, and a liability; and he knoweth which, and he hath chosen.
A blistering winner is admired for a moment. A lob winneth the game, and is remembered by nobody, which is the point.
Better a dry morsel of banana, and quiet, than a garage full of trophies, with a wife who hath asked about the garage.

The Preacher of the 3.5

Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher; all is vanity, and a self-rating.
What profit hath a man of all his labor under the sun, at the Tuesday clinic?
One generation passeth away, and another cometh; but the standing court abideth forever, and it is not thine.
The serve goeth in, and the serve goeth out, and hasteth to the place from whence it came, which is the fence.
There is no new thing under the sun; except ten new rackets in the pro shop, every spring, with new paint.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to lob, and a time to drive; a time to poach, and a time to stay the hell home;
A time to rip it, and a time to roll it in; a time to serve and volley, and a time to admit thou canst not volley;
A time to challenge, and a time to let it go; a time to say "Good shot," and a time to say "Good shot" through the teeth;
A time to buy new strings, and a time to confront what the strings cannot fix;
A time to play, and a time to stretch, which is now, and thou wilt not.
The end of the matter, all having been heard: keep thine eye on the ball, and bend thy knees; for this is the whole duty of man, and he shall not do it, and he shall wonder why.

A Letter to the Club

Chapter 1

From the Head Pro, unto the club, and unto the waitlist: grace be unto you, and peace, and good court assignments.
It hath been reported to me by the club manager, who hears everything, that there are divisions among you.
For one of you saith, I play all-court; and another, I serve and volley; and another, I grind the baseline; and another, I only play with Dave.
Is the Game divided? Did Dave invent the forehand? Were ye signed up in the name of Dave?
Now concerning partners: it is good for a man not to be yoked unto a doubles partner. Yet to avoid poaching and strife, let every man have his own partner, and let every woman have her own, and let them not be married to each other; for I have seen that, and it was not good.
Art thou bound unto a partner? Seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed? Play singles, and be content, and be alone with thy thoughts, which is why thou art bad.
And if ye quarrel over who taketh the middle ball, I say unto you: the middle ball is thine. It is always thine. Nobody is coming.

Chapter 2

Though I speak with the tongues of commentators and of angels, and have not sportsmanship, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling let cord.
Though I understand all strategies and all knowledge of spin, and have faith to move mountains of self-doubt, and have not sportsmanship, I am nothing.
Sportsmanship suffereth long, and is kind. Sportsmanship envieth not thy neighbor's one-hander. Sportsmanship shouteth not "Come on!" after a double fault that was not its own.
It seeketh not its own on a line call; it is not provoked by a foot fault nobody called; it thinketh no evil of the mishit that dribbled over.
It rejoiceth not in a double fault, but rejoiceth in the point well played, even the one it lost. Especially that one.
It beareth all losses, believeth all balls are in until they are called, hopeth for a good match, endureth the deuce game that will not end.
Sportsmanship never faileth. Rankings shall fail; racket technologies shall cease; analytics shall vanish away, for nobody knoweth what they mean.
And now abideth strategy, technique, and sportsmanship, these three; but the greatest of these is sportsmanship. The second greatest is a first serve.
Greet one another at the net with a handshake, racket in the other hand, and look each other in the eye, ye animals.
If any man love not the Game, let him take up golf, or, Pro forbid, pickleball. Watch ye. Stand fast. Bend your knees. Amen.

The Revelation of the Line Judge

I, the line judge, was on the far court on Sunday doubles when I heard behind me a great voice, as of a trumpet, saying: I am the First Serve and the Last, which was, and is, and is to come, and is a let.
And I saw four horsemen. The first rode a white horse and carried a racket strung at seventy, and went forth conquering; and he was a junior, and he was eleven.
The second rode a red horse, and power was given him to take peace from the court; and his name was Line Call, and he hath a brother on every court in the land.
The third rode a black horse and held a pair of scales, and a voice said: A can of balls for a penny, and three cans for a penny. And this was long ago, and the voice lieth.
The fourth rode a pale horse, and his name was Pickleball, and Hell followed with him; and power was given him over a fourth part of the courts, to paint them with lines unto confusion, and to make a noise.
And I saw a new heaven and a new earth, and a new court, with lines freshly painted, and the net at thirty-six inches in the center, and no cracks, and no leaves, and no pickleball.
And the Head Pro shall wipe away all tears; and there shall be no more double faults, neither cramping, nor the sun in thine eyes, nor the guy who talketh on the changeover; for the former things are passed away.
Even so, come quickly, and bring balls, for we are out.