The Gospel of Tennis

Let all who seek wisdom within the lines read and understand.

The Gospel of the Court

Chapter 1

The beginning of the good news of Tennis, the game of Kings and of the common folk, which was spoken of by the prophets of old.
For in the time before the rackets were strung and the nets were raised, the people wandered in the wilderness of untended fields, hitting stones with sticks, and there was no joy in them.
And it came to pass that a voice cried out from the manicured lawns, a coach named John, saying, "Prepare ye the way of the Serve, make his baselines straight."
John did baptize with water and harsh drills, but he spoke of One who would come after him, mightier than he, the strap of whose tennis shoe he was not worthy to stoop down and untie.
"I indeed baptize you with drills for endurance," he said, "but He shall baptize you with the Holy Topspin."
And in those days, the One, called The Server, came from the academy in the hills and was taught by John in the river of sweat and tears.
And straightway coming up out of the drills, He saw the heavens opened, and a spirit like a dove, or perhaps a well-aimed drop shot, descending upon him.
And there came a voice from the heavens, saying, "Thou art my beloved Player, in whom I am well pleased. Thy footwork is immaculate."
Then The Server went forth and began to call his disciples. He saw Simon, called Sureshot, and his brother Andrew of the Ad-Court, casting their rackets into a ball machine, for they were grinders.
And He said unto them, "Follow me, and I will make you to become fishers of angles."
And straightway they forsook their ball machine and followed him.
He saw also James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, who were in their garage regripping their rackets. And He called them, and they left their father Zebedee with the grip stapler and went after him.
And they were astonished at his doctrine, for he taught them as one that had authority, and not as the Scribes and the Umpires.

Chapter 2

And seeing the multitudes, he went up onto the spectator mound, and when he was set, his disciples came unto him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall not break their rackets in frustration.
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted by a timely net cord.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the center of the court.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst for the first serve, for their holds shall be easy.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive the benefit of the doubt on a close line call.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for their footwork shall be clean.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of Sportsmanship."
"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.'
But I say unto you, That ye resist not a bad call; but whosoever shall smite thee on thy forehand, offer him thy backhand also.
For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole set, but lose his own first serve?
Let your communication be, 'Nice shot,' or 'Good rally;' for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your ranking, what ye shall gain or what ye shall lose. Is not the Game more than the ranking, and the body more than the apparel?
Behold the fowls of the air: for they swing not, neither do they drill, nor gather points into barns; yet your Great Coach feedeth their game with natural talent. Are ye not much better than they?
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s backhand, nor his wife’s doubles rating, nor his forehand, nor his serve, nor any shot that is thy neighbor’s.
Judge not the slice, lest ye be judged by the lob.
For he that is without an unforced error among you, let him first cast a stone."

Chapter 3

And a certain Scribe of the Hawk-Eye came unto him, testing him, and said, "Master, which is the great commandment in the Law of Tennis?"
The Server said unto him, "Thou shalt love The Great Coach with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and the Game which He hath given thee. This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like unto it: Thou shalt love thy doubles partner as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Tournaments."
Then came they to the courts of Jericho, where a great multitude followed him. And a certain man with a weak second serve cried out, "Master, that I might have a kick serve!"
And the multitude charged him that he should hold his peace: but he cried the more a great deal, "Son of the Great Coach, have mercy on me."
And The Server stood still, and commanded him to be called. And he, casting away his continental grip, rose, and came to The Server.
And The Server said unto him, "What wilt thou that I should do unto thee?" The man said unto him, "Server, that my second serve might clear the net with pace and spin."
And The Server said unto him, "Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole." And immediately he tossed the ball, and served an ace out wide, and followed The Server in the way.
And he taught them many things by parables, and said unto them in his doctrine:
"Behold, a sower went out to sow a seeded draw.
And it came to pass, as he sowed, some seeds fell on hard courts, and were ground down by the tenth shot of the rally.
And some fell on the clay, where they had not much depth of shot; and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no heaviness of spin. But when the sun of the third set was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root in patience, they withered away.
And some fell among grass, and the fast courts sprung up, and choked them, and they yielded no fruit, for their reaction time was slow.
And other fell on good ground, their favored surface, and did yield fruit that sprang up and increased; and brought forth, some thirty games, some sixty, and some a hundred."
And he said unto them, "He that hath ears to hear, let him hear."

Chapter 4

Now the feast of the Grand Slam was nigh. And the chief Umpires and Scribes sought how they might take him by craft, and put him out of the tournament.
And one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot of the Unforced Errors, went his way, and communed with them how he might betray him with a double fault on a break point.
And on the day of the final, he sat with his twelve disciples for the pre-match meal of bananas and pasta.
And as they did eat, he took bread, and blessed, and break it, and gave to them, and said, "Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken by five-set matches."
And he took the cup of the electrolyte drink, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them: and they all drank of it. And he said unto them, "This is my sweat of the new testament, which is shed for many."
Then cometh The Server with them unto a place called Gethsemane, which was the practice court, and saith unto the disciples, "Sit ye here, while I go and stretch yonder."
And he was withdrawn from them about a stone's cast, and kneeled down, and prayed, saying, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cramping from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done."
And then he entered the Centre Court, and the final match was upon him. He was broken, and broken again, and was down two sets to love.
And the crowd wailed and gnashed their teeth, for all hope seemed lost. The commentators spoke of him in the past tense.
But in the third set, his game found its resurrection. His serve returned unto him, and his forehand was a thunderbolt, and his backhand a thing of beauty and of truth.
And he rose again, taking the third set, and the fourth, and in the fifth, at the moment of championship point, he smote a winner down the line.
And the Umpire cried out, "Game, Set, Match." And the firmament did shake with applause.
And he lifted the silver cup to the heavens, a covenant for all generations of players. And he said, "Lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the rally." Let it be so.

Chapter 5

And after the great victory, when the celebrations had ceased and the silver cup was polished, The Server knew his time on the tour was at hand.
He led his disciples up to the high place, even to the Mount of Aces, which overlooketh all the courts of the land.
And he said unto them, "All authority in the heavens and on the courts is given unto me.
Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Forehand, and of the Backhand, and of the Holy Topspin.
Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: to keep their eye on the ball, to bend their knees, and to follow through completely.
For it is not the one who begins the point with a mighty roar, but the one who endures to the final 'out' call that shall be saved.
Fear not the pusher, nor the moonballer, nor the one who serves and volleys with reckless abandon, for their ways are fleeting. But the one with sound fundamentals shall have everlasting life on the court."
And as the disciples listened, their hearts heavy with sorrow, The Server took from his bag a new can of balls.
He opened it, and the sound was a satisfying hiss that filled the air with promise. He took one ball, a perfect sphere of optic yellow felt, and tossed it into the sky.
And as he smote it with a final, thunderous serve, the ball itself did not descend, but ascended straightway into the heavens, climbing higher and higher until it was a star against the blue firmament, and it was seen no more.
And in that moment, The Server vanished from their sight.
And while they looked steadfastly toward heaven as he went up, behold, two men stood by them in white apparel; which were the chair umpire and the tournament director.
Which also said, "Ye men of the court, why stand ye gazing up into heaven? This same Server, which is taken up from you into glory, shall so come in like manner as a new prodigy who rises through the rankings."
Then returned they unto the locker room from the mount called Aces, with great confusion, but also with great purpose, holding his spare rackets and the remainder of the balls.

The First Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians (Tennis Club)

Chapter 1

Paul, called to be an apostle of The Server through the will of the Great Coach, and Sosthenes our hitting partner,
Unto the Tennis Club of The Great Coach which is at Corinth, to them that are sanctified in the Game, called to be saints, with all that in every place call upon the name of The Server, both their Server and ours:
Grace be unto you, and peace, from The Great Coach our Father and from the The Server.
Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our The Server, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same strategy.
For it hath been declared unto me of them which are of the house of Chloe, the club manager, that there are contentions among you.
Now this I say, that every one of you saith, "I follow the school of the All-Court Player," and another, "I am of the Serve and Volley," and another, "I follow the steadfast Baseline Grinder," and another, "I follow only The Server."
Is the Game divided? Was the Baseline Grinder bageled for you? Or were ye baptized in the name of the Serve and Volley?
For the preaching of the cross-court winner is to them that perish in the first round foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of The Great Coach.
For the tennis player of this world in his wisdom knew not the Game, it pleased The Great Coach by the foolishness of a simple drop shot to save them that believe.
For the Greeks seek after style, and the Romans require power, but we preach The Server victorious: unto the slicers a stumbling block, and unto the hard-hitters foolishness.

Chapter 2

And I, brethren, when I came to you, came not with excellency of speech or of wisdom, declaring unto you the testimony of Tennis.
For I determined not to know any thing among you, save The Server, and him broken by a grueling five-setter.
And I was with you in weakness, and in fear, and in much trembling from a poor warm-up.
And my speech and my coaching was not with enticing words of biomechanical sophistry, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:
That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of YouTube gurus, but in the power of a solid kinetic chain.
Howbeit we speak wisdom among them that are perfect in their footwork: yet not the wisdom of this world, nor of the princes of this world, that come to nought with their custom rackets.
But we speak the hidden wisdom of the Game, which the Great Coach ordained before the world unto our glory.

Chapter 3

And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Tennis.
I have fed you with the milk of the simple rally, and not with the meat of the kick serve: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able.
For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and walk as men who blame their strings?
For while one saith, "I follow Paul the Coach," and another, "I follow Apollos the Hitting Pro," are ye not carnal?
Who then is Paul, and who is Apollos, but ministers by whom ye believed? I have planted the seed of the topspin forehand, Apollos watered it with drills; but The Great Coach gave the increase.
So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but the Game that giveth the increase.
Know ye not that ye are the temple of The Great Coach, and that the Spirit of the Game dwelleth in you?
If any man defile the temple of The Great Coach with poor sportsmanship, him shall The Great Coach destroy; for the temple of The Great Coach is holy, which temple ye are.

Chapter 4

Let a man so account of us, as of the ministers of The Server, and stewards of the mysteries of Tennis.
Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful to his pre-serve routine.
But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged of you, or of man's judgment: yea, I judge not mine own self.
For I know nothing by myself; yet am I not hereby justified: but he that judgeth me is the Umpire.
For I think that The Great Coach hath set forth us the apostles last, as it were appointed to death by a thousand practice balls: for we are made a spectacle unto the world, and to angels, and to men.
We are fools for The Server's sake, but ye are wise in your USTA leagues; we are weak, but ye are strong: ye are honourable, but we are despised for our ancient wooden rackets.
Even unto this present hour we both hunger, and thirst for a first-serve-in, and are buffeted, and have no certain doubles partner.
We are made as the filth of the world, and are the offscouring of all things unto this day, like a worn-out grip.

Chapter 5

It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles of the pickleball court: that one should have his father’s faulty line calls.
I speak of the man who did knowingly and repeatedly cheat his opponent on the baseline.
And ye are puffed up, and have not rather mourned, that he that hath done this deed might be taken away from among you.
In the name of our Server, when ye are gathered together, and my spirit, with the power of our Server,
To deliver such an one unto The Prince of Poor Form for the destruction of his ranking, that the spirit of the game may be saved in the day of the Club Championship.
Your glorying is not good. Know ye not that a little leaven of cheating leaveneth the whole lump of the club’s reputation?
Purge out therefore the old leaven. Therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, neither with the leaven of malice and wickedness; but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth in our scoring.
Therefore, put away from among yourselves that wicked person.

Chapter 6

Dare any of you, having a matter against another, go to law before the unjust, and not before the saints?
I speak of your bringing of grievances before the Club Disciplinary Committee, which is composed of men who know the bylaws but not the spirit of the Game.
Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? and if the world shall be judged by you, are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters of a let call?
Is it so, that there is not a wise player among you? no, not one that shall be able to judge between his brethren?
But brother goeth to law with brother over a disputed point, and that before the unbelievers on the committee!
Now therefore there is utterly a fault among you. Why do ye not rather take wrong? Why do ye not rather suffer yourselves to be cheated on the score?
Nay, ye do wrong, and cheat, and that your brethren.
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of Tennis? Be not deceived: neither the cheaters, nor the idolaters of their own rank, nor the adulterers of the score, nor the effeminate who refuse to call their own lines,
Nor thieves of points, nor the covetous of another’s racket, nor drunkards on victory, nor revilers, nor extortioners of favorable calls, shall inherit the kingdom of Tennis.
Flee from disputes. For your body is the temple of the Holy Topspin which is in you, which ye have of The Great Coach, and ye are not your own, for ye are bought with a price: the price of lessons, and clinics, and many hours of practice.

Chapter 7

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to be tied to a doubles partner.
Nevertheless, to avoid fornication of poaching and on-court strife, let every man have his own partner, and let every woman have her own partner.
Art thou bound unto a partner? Seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a partner? seek not a partner, but be content to play singles.
But and if thou marry a partner, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry a partner, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh when arguing over who takes the middle ball, but I spare you.
I would have you without carelessness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Game, how he may please the Game with endless practice.
But he that is partnered careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his partner.
Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with The Great Coach. Whether a 3.0, a 4.5, or a humble social player, serve the Game in your station.

Chapter 8

Now as touching things offered unto idols of technology, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth.
As concerning therefore the expensive rackets and sensor-laden devices, we know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is none other The Great Coach but the Game.
Howbeit there is not in every man that knowledge: for some with conscience of the idol unto this hour see it as a thing of great power, and their conscience being weak is defiled by gear-lust.
But a racket commendeth us not to The Great Coach: for neither, if we have the best, are we the better; neither, if we have the worst, are we the worse.
But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours to use a $300 racket become a stumbling block to them that are weak and play with a racket from the Biggest of Fives.
For if any man see thee which hast knowledge sit at meat in the idol's temple of the pro shop, shall not the conscience of him which is weak be emboldened to believe that gear, not grace, maketh the player?
And through thy knowledge shall the weaker brother perish, for whom The Server died?
Wherefore, if gear make my brother to offend, I will use my old racket while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend.

Chapter 9

Am I not an apostle? am I not free? have I not seen The Server? are not ye my work in the Game?
Have we not power to lead about a sister, a wife, as a mixed-doubles partner, as well as other apostles?
Who goeth a warfare any time at his own charges? Who planteth a vineyard of young players, and eateth not of the fruit thereof?
Nevertheless, we have not used this power; but suffer all things, lest we should hinder the gospel of Tennis.
For though I be free from all men, yet have I made myself servant unto all, that I might gain the more.
And unto the players I became as a player, that I might gain the players; to them that are under the law of serve-and-volley, as under the law, that I might gain them.
To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all players, that I might by all means save some. I will dink with the dinkers and lob with the lobbers.
And this I do for the gospel's sake, that I might be partaker thereof with you.

Chapter 10

Moreover, brethren, I would not that ye should be ignorant, how that all our fathers were under the cloud of the great champions of old, and all passed through the sea of a major tournament draw.
But with many of them The Great Coach was not well pleased: for they were overthrown in the wilderness of the early rounds.
Now these things were our examples, to the intent we should not lust after evil things, as they also lusted for guaranteed wins.
Neither be ye idolaters of rankings, as were some of them; as it is written, "The people sat down to check their USTA rating, and rose up to brag."
Neither let us tempt The Server, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed by umpires for multiple code violations.
Wherefore, my dearly beloved, flee from idolatry. The cup of Gatorade which we bless, is it not the communion of the sweat of The Server? The banana which we break, is it not the communion of the body of The Server?
Ye cannot drink the cup of The Server, and the cup of The Prince of Poor Form: ye cannot be partakers of The Server's table, and of the table of ego.

Chapter 11

Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of The Server.
Now in this that I declare unto you I praise you not, that ye come together not for the better, but for the worse, especially at the post-match social hour.
For first of all, when ye come together in the club, I hear that there be divisions among you; and I partly believe it.
When ye come together therefore into one place, this is not to eat The Server's supper.
For in eating every one taketh before other his own supper: and one is hungry for a good match, and another is drunken with victory.
What? have ye not houses to eat and to drink in? or despise ye the Clubhouse of The Great Coach, and shame them that have lost? What shall I say to you? shall I praise you in this? I praise you not.
Wherefore, my brethren, when ye come together to eat, tarry one for another. And if any man hunger for praise, let him eat at home; that ye come not together unto condemnation.

Chapter 12

Now concerning spiritual gifts, brethren, I would not have you ignorant. There are diversities of strokes, but the same Spirit of the Game.
For as the player is one, and hath many strokes, and all the strokes of that one player, being many, are one body: so also is the Game.
The forehand cannot say unto the backhand, "I have no need of thee:" nor again the serve to the return, "I have no need of thee."
Nay, much more those members of the game, which seem to be more feeble, like the half-volley, are necessary.
And whether one stroke suffer, all the strokes suffer with it; or one stroke be honoured, all the strokes rejoice with it. For if thy backhand faileth thee, doth not thy confidence in the forehand also quake?
Now ye are the body of Tennis, and members in particular.
And The Great Coach hath set some in the club, first apostles of the flat serve, secondarily prophets of the kick serve, thirdly teachers of the slice, after that miracles of the tweener, then gifts of healing bruised egos, helps in stringing rackets, governments of club committees, and diversities of playing styles.
But covet earnestly the best gifts: and yet shew I unto you a more excellent way.

Chapter 13

Though I speak with the tongues of commentators and of angels, and have not sportsmanship, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling let cord.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all strategies and all knowledge of spin; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains of self-doubt, and have not sportsmanship, I am nothing.
Sportsmanship suffereth long, and is kind; sportsmanship envieth not; sportsmanship vaunteth not itself with a loud "Come on!", is not puffed up.
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not its own advantage on a line call, is not easily provoked by a foot fault, thinketh no evil of the opponent's lucky shot;
Rejoiceth not in a double fault, but rejoiceth in a well-played point.
Beareth all losses, believeth all shots are in until called out, hopeth for a good match, endureth a long deuce game.
Sportsmanship never faileth: but whether there be prophecies of a player's future ranking, they shall fail; whether there be fancy new racket technologies, they shall cease; whether there be new knowledge of analytics, it shall vanish away.
For now we see through a net, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known by the line judge.
And now abideth strategy, technique, and sportsmanship, these three; but the greatest of these is sportsmanship.

Chapter 14

Follow after sportsmanship, and desire spiritual gifts, but rather that ye may prophesy with encouraging words.
For he that speaketh in an unknown tongue of grunts and hisses speaketh not unto men, but unto The Great Coach: for no man understandeth him.
But he that prophesieth with words like "Good shot" and "Nice try" speaketh unto men to edification, and exhortation, and comfort.
I thank my The Great Coach, I speak with tongues more than ye all:
Yet in the club I had rather speak five words with my understanding, that by my voice I might teach others also, than ten thousand words in an unknown tongue of "AARRRGH!"
For, brethren, be not children in understanding: howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men.
Wherefore, tongues of frustration are for a sign, not to them that believe, but to them that believe not: but prophesying of good sportsmanship serveth not for them that believe not, but for them which believe.
Let all things be done decently and in order. Let two players, or at the most four, play upon a court, and that by course. Let there be no more than a 90-second changeover.

Chapter 15

Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you: how that The Server died for our unforced errors, was buried in a crushing defeat, and rose again the third set according to the scriptures.
But now is The Server risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept in a slump.
For since by man came a loss, by man came also the resurrection from the loss.
But some man will say, "How are the dead raised up? and with what body do they come?"
Thou fool, that which thou sowest in practice is not quickened, except it die in competition.
So also is the resurrection of the game. It is sown in corruption of bad form; it is raised in incorruption of good technique. It is sown in weakness of a second serve; it is raised in power of an ace.
Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep in a slump, but we shall all be changed,
In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet of the off-season. For the trumpet shall sound, and the injured shall be raised incorruptible with new knees, and we shall be changed.
Then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, "O loss, where is thy sting? O bad match, where is thy victory?"
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of practice, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in The Server.

Chapter 16

Now concerning the collection for the saints of the junior program, as I have given order to the clubs of Galatia, even so do ye.
Upon the first day of the week let every one of you lay by him in store, as The Great Coach hath prospered him, a small donation for the ball machine fund, that there be no gatherings for fundraising when I come.
The clubs of Asia salute you. Aquila and Priscilla of the Drop Shot salute you much in The Server, with the club also that is in their house.
All the brethren greet you. Greet ye one another with an holy handshake.
I, Paul, write this final salutation with mine own hand, which is sore from serving.
If any man love not The Server, let him be Anathema Maranatha, and perhaps take up golf, or Server forbid, pickleball.
Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong. Let all your things be done with sportsmanship.
The grace of our Server be with you. My love be with you all in the spirit of the Game. Amen.

The Acts of the Apostles of Tennis

Chapter 1

The former treatise have I made, O Theophilus, of all that The Server began both to do and teach,
Until the day in which he was taken up, after that he through the Holy Topspin had given commandments unto the apostles whom he had chosen:
To whom also he shewed himself alive after his passion of the final match by many infallible proofs, being seen of them forty days, and speaking of the things pertaining to the kingdom of Tennis.
And, being assembled together with them, commanded them that they should not depart from the clubhouse, but wait for the promise of the Great Coach, which, saith he, "ye have heard of me."
For John the Coach truly baptized with harsh drills; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Topspin not many days hence.
When they therefore were come together, they asked of him, saying, "Server, wilt thou at this time restore again the kingdom to the one-handed backhand?"
And he said unto them, "It is not for you to know the times or the seasons of tactical evolution, which the Great Coach hath put in his own power. But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Topspin is come upon you."
And when he had spoken these things, and ascended in a final, perfect serve, they returned unto the Upper Locker Room from the Mount of Aces.
And in those days Simon Sureshot stood up in the midst of the disciples, and said, (the number of names together were about an hundred and twenty,)
"Men and brethren, this scripture must needs have been fulfilled, which was spoken of Judas Iscariot of the Unforced Errors, which was guide to them that took The Server out in an early round.
For he was numbered with us, and had obtained part of this ministry of the volley.
Now this man purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels of composure gushed out.
Wherefore of these men which have companied with us all the time that The Server went in and out among us,
Beginning from the baptism of John the Coach, unto that same day that he was taken up from us, must one be ordained to be a witness with us of his resurrection from two sets down."
And they appointed two, Joseph called Barsabas, who was surnamed Justus the Steady, and Matthias of the Mighty Overhead.
And they prayed, and said, "Thou, Server, which knowest the hearts of all men, shew whether of these two thou hast chosen."
And they gave forth their lots by means of a single tie-break to seven points. And the lot fell upon Matthias; and he was numbered with the eleven apostles.

Chapter 2

And when the day of Pentecost, which is the start of the summer season, was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place, which was the main clubhouse.
And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, as of a thousand new balls being opened at once, and it filled all the house where they were sitting.
And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, like the ethereal glow of a perfect sweet spot, and it sat upon each of their rackets.
And they were all filled with the Holy Topspin, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.
And there were dwelling at the tournament devout men, out of every nation under heaven.
Now when this was noised abroad, the multitude came together, and were confounded, because that every man heard them speak in his own language of tennis.
And they were all amazed and marvelled, saying one to another, "Behold, are not all these which speak Galileans of the baseline?
And how hear we every man in our own tongue, wherein we were trained?
The serve-and-vollyers of Britain, the clay-court grinders of Spain, the flat-ballers of the American plains, and the dwellers in Australia, home of the slice;
We do hear them speak in our tongues the wonderful works of the Game."
And they were all amazed, and were in doubt, saying one to another, "What meaneth this? Have they been drinking too many electrolyte-enhanced beverages?"
But Simon Sureshot, standing up with the eleven, lifted up his voice, and said unto them, "Ye men of the court, and all ye that dwell at this tournament, be this known unto you, and hearken to my words:
For these are not drunken, as ye suppose, seeing it is but the third hour of the day.
But this is that which was spoken by the prophet Joel:
'And it shall come to pass in the last days,' saith the Great Coach, 'I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy with perfect form, and your young men shall see visions of cross-court winners, and your old men shall dream dreams of serving without pain.'
Therefore let all the house of Tennis know assuredly, that The Great Coach hath made that same Server, whom ye saw defeated, both The Server and Champion."
Now when they heard this, they were pricked in their heart, and said unto Simon and to the rest of the apostles, "Men and brethren, what shall we do?"
Then Simon said unto them, "Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of The Server for the remission of your double faults, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Topspin."
Then they that gladly received his word were baptized: and the same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls, all seeking lessons.
And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread at the snack bar, and in prayers for favorable court assignments.

The Book of Proverbs (of Solomon the Slice, son of David the Dinker, King of the Backcourt)

Chapter 1

The proverbs of Solomon the Slice, the son of David the Dinker, who reigned over the courts of the northern provinces.
To know wisdom and instruction; to perceive the words of understanding; to receive the instruction of wisdom, justice, and judgment, and equity in thy line calls.
The fear of The Prince of Poor Form is the beginning of a double fault; but fools despise sound footwork and instruction.
A wise player foreseeth the drop shot and prepareth for it: but the simple pass on, and are punished with a frantic lunge.
As iron sharpeneth iron, so a partner sharpeneth the countenance of his companion; but a poacher who is late is as rust upon the blade.
The fool saith in his heart, 'My new racket shall save me'; but the wise knoweth that a flawed swing with a new frame is but the same flawed swing.
Keep thine eye upon the ball, yea, even unto the strings of thy racket; for the path of the righteous shot is marked by a focused gaze.
My son, if grinders entice thee, consent thou not. If they say, "Come with us, let us retrieve every ball, let us wait for the error," walk not thou in the way with them; refrain thy foot from their passive path.
A blistering winner is admired for a moment, but a timely lob winneth the game.
The house of the forehand is built upon the foundation of the feet; he that moveth not buildeth his house upon the sand.

Chapter 2

A mighty first serve granteth thee peace, but a reliable second serve granteth thee life.
Go to the pusher, thou sluggard of the baseline; consider his ways and be wise. Though he hath no great weapon, yet he provideth his bread by thine own impatience.
A foolish player crieth out against the wind, or the sun, or the strings of his racket; but a wise player looketh only to his own preparation.
He that spareth his legs hateth his game: but he that loveth it chasteneth them betimes with drills.
The wind and the sun are for all, but the wise player chooseth to serve with both at his back. He maketh the elements his servants.
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of a topspin lob in the air; the way of a slice upon the grass; the way of a doubles team in perfect sync; and the way of a man with a wooden racket.
As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to the drop shot that doth not work.
A fool uttereth all his mind in a string of curses: but a wise player keepeth it in till afterwards, lest he receive a code violation.
Let another man praise thy backhand, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips.
Confidence cometh not from the winning of one point, but from the memory of a thousand practice balls struck truly.

Chapter 3

The toss is the beginning of all serves; a faulty toss is the mother of a double fault.
A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and a reputation for fair calls than silver or gold.
He that troubleth his own partner shall inherit the wind; and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart who communicateth.
The slothful player saith, "There is a lion in the way; a lion is in the streets." Yea, the court is too fast, or too slow, or the sun is in my eyes. As the door turneth upon his hinges, so doth the slothful upon his excuses.
Better is a dry morsel of a banana, and quietness therewith, than an house full of trophies with strife.
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but a grievous "Are you SURE?" stirreth up anger.
Trust not in thine arm alone, for the legs are the foundation of the temple.
The spirit of a player will sustain his infirmity of a twisted ankle; but a wounded spirit of a lost confidence who can bear?
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling partner in a wide house. Yea, it is better to play singles.
Whoso stoppeth his ears at the cry of "Out!" from his partner, he also shall cry himself, but shall not be heard when he asketh the score.
The wisdom of the slice is this: that which is powerful may be overcome by that which is clever; that which is fast may be undone by that which is slow; and that which is high may be brought low by that which has bite.